back to homepage

Like most shitty things in Inuyasha’s life, this one—arguably the shittiest of them all—started with Miroku being a slut.

“Your brother is kind of hot. Do you know if he’s single?”

Both Inuyasha and Sango choked on their noodles while Kagome only laughed at the question. They were supposed to enjoy their lunch break in peace, eat good cafeteria food and gossip. At worst, Miroku would have brought them up to speed with the latest details of his very adventurous sex life.

“You did not just ask that,” he said, irritated. He briefly tried to picture Sesshomaru and Miroku together and no, totally not happening. Not in a million years.

“Hear me out-”

“No.”

Everybody grew quiet for a while and Inuyasha tried to come up with another interesting subject that would distract his friends into forgetting Miroku’s stupid question. Unfortunately, Kagome’s curiosity got the better of her.“It’s a bit surprising, Miroku. I didn’t think you would be into older guys.”

“Normally I’m not, but I did hear an interesting rumour from the girl I spent last night with.”

“What sort of rumour?”

The urge to simply sit up and leave grew stronger, but Inuyasha remained in his seat, feeling as if someone had glued him to it and was forcing him to listen to the most torturous conversation of his life. He knew exactly what this was about.

“I think Sesshomaru might have the parts that I’m most… er… drawn towards.”

Inuyasha’s shoulders tensed. The ramen in front of him was long since forgotten, growing colder by the minute. Eating was the last thing on his mind, regardless of how hungry he still was and Miroku was to blame for it entirely.

“I don’t think I follow,” Sango said.

“This girl allegedly had a threesome with Naraku and Sesshomaru, and she’s told me that Sesshomaru is trans. As in, he has girl parts.”

“What? No way!” both girls exclaimed and Inuyasha instinctively turned his head to look around. Fortunately, he didn’t see anyone familiar eavesdropping.

When he turned around he found that all of the eyes at the table were fixed on him, waiting for the confirmation. Dying on the spot seemed a good alternative at that moment.

“So, is it true?” Miroku asked when it became clear that Inuyasha wasn’t going to say anything of his own volition.

Inuyasha hated this. He loved his friends to death —Miroku’s been his best friend since high school—, but they were some of the most nosy people he knew and it was driving him insane. It wasn’t like Sesshomaru was keeping his gender identity a secret; he did tell anyone that asked and was not an asshole about it, but Inuyasha always felt the questions, the stares, the judging to be too invasive. It wasn’t even about him or his body, but he couldn’t help it.

“Yeah,” was all that he said, avoiding their insistent glances, hoping that would be the end of it,

“Well, that’s a surprise,” Kagome stated and Sango nodded in agreement.

Miroku seemed to be the most pleased with the information out of all of them, and Inuyasha felt the sudden urge to punch him in the face.

“I can’t imagine your brother as a girl,” Sango chimed in. “He always seemed so… I don’t know.”

“That’s because he’s not a girl.”

“Yeah, I know, I know. I only meant that he used to be one at some point, right?”

Inuyasha found himself at a loss of words, because while yes, technically there was a point in Sesshomaru’s life in which he was Inuyasha’s older sister, he was never a girl. Not in his own mind and not in Inuyasha’s eyes. If anyone saw the way they fought, the way his asshole of a brother almost bit off his finger at some point (his mom had to take him to the hospital and Sesshomaru didn’t visit for at least a month after—good times) nobody would have questioned Sesshomaru’s manliness.

“What was he like? Did your parents give you the 'don’t hit your sister' bullshit too?”

It was Kagome’s turn to ask unnecessarily invasive questions and Inuyasha was deflating. Their break would last one more hour, and if they decided it was going to be spent discussing what Sesshomaru had in his pants, Inuyasha was out.

“No,” was all he said and Kagome picked up on his uneasiness as she held back any other questions on the topic.

“Nevermind that,” Miroku said. “Inuyasha, you know you’re my best friend, you’re my brother and I would do anything for you—”

“I’m not helping you hook up with my brother.”

“Why not?”

“Are you seriously asking me that?”

“I’m sorry, Miroku, but Inuyasha has a point. Sesshomaru is way out of your league.”

That was certainly not Inuyasha’s point, but he was still grateful towards Sango trying to dissuade Miroku from whoring around with his brother.

“You think I can’t woo him? Is that a challenge?”

“Yeah, I think that if you try to talk to him he’s going to look at you like you’re some dirt stuck on his shoe. He looks at me that way too, and we’re relatives, for fuck’s sake.”

“But that’s what siblings do! I think if I had an opening I could make him fall in love on the spot.”

Miroku was bulshitting as always, Inuyasha knew that much, but his choice of words made him especially angry. He remembered the last time Sesshomaru fell in love with someone and all the bad feelings that he associated with the memory. If there was even the slightest chance of Sesshomaru falling in love with Miroku, the man known for fucking and leaving, he felt that it was his duty to prevent that from happening.

“I kind of want to see that,” Inuyasha heard Sango whisper to Kagome.

“Forget it, Miroku. You can have any girl you want. You totally don’t need to hook up with my brother.”

“See, that’s the thing. I’m bored. I only have to wink at a girl’s general direction and she’s ready to take off her panties.”

“Gross.”

Sango made some very convincing vomiting sounds in the background and Kagome almost choked on her noodles from laughing.

“I need a challenge, and Sesshomaru’s the perfect one.”

“Why don’t you pick up another guy? Why does it have to be Sesshomaru, out of all people. I mean, he’s Inuyasha’s brother. Don’t you think that would be weird? If things turn out ugly between you then Inuyasha will have to take sides, and that’s not cool.” Kagome tried.

As always, she was sensible about the situation, thinking in advance and pointing out the flaws in Miroku’s plan. She was probably the sole reason none of them got jail time yet.

“Because I know for a fact that Sesshomaru likes men and…. I have a reputation to maintain. I don’t have a lot of experience with men and if rumour has it that I’m a bad lover it will ruin me. Sesshomaru is the perfect challenge because he’s available, he’s hard to get and he has the right parts.”

“I think you should be locked up,” Sango said, sipping from her cup of warm tea. Inuyasha agreed.

“Did you really think that spelling out your weird fantasy would make me want to get you into Sesshomaru’s bed?”

“I don’t understand why you’re so bothered by it!” Miroku cried. “You don’t even like him that much.”

While it was true that Inuyasha and Sesshomaru weren’t on best terms—although it wasn’t as bad as when Sesshomaru was still in high school—he still wanted no part in this. Miroku’s motivation was shady at best, and Inuyasha felt like it was his duty to keep Sesshomaru away from any fetishistic creeps that showed interest in him. Miroku was his friend, but he still fit into that category, and Inuyasha didn’t like double standards.

“It’s a matter of principle, but you have none so I don’t think you’ll understand.”

“Look, I’m only asking you to give me an opening. I don’t need you to tell him anything on my behalf or make me look good in his eyes. I can do that myself. Like, if he decides to sleep with me on his own accord, what’s the big deal?”

It was a big deal, but Inuyasha didn’t have the words to explain why. If he told Miroku exactly what he thought about the situation he wouldn’t understand. And I don’t want you to fuck my brother because you don’t love him was a weird thing to say. Because Inuyasha wasn’t supposed to care about Sesshomaru— they had the whole rivalry thing going on — and because they were in college, for fuck’s sake. People fucked for the sake of it. It wasn’t a big deal, Inuyasha did it too. But this was about Sesshomaru, and it was different… somehow.

He shrugged it off, hoping that Miroku would get distracted by whatever pretty girl was going to get into his way next and forget about the whole thing all together.

Sesshomaru never went unnoticed. It was his thing; wherever he went and whomever he went with, he would make an impression, regardless of his intention. Inuyasha was the exact opposite, and it was both a blessing and a curse. Contrary to popular belief, being Sesshomaru’s younger brother wasn’t the best experience — his brother’s popularity did not extend to him, but his shadow did.

It wasn’t something he ever talked about, not even with his friends, because one, it was not their business and two, it was embarrassing. Whenever he found himself in the same room as Sesshomaru, he felt overwhelmingly inadequate. Like he was too small, trying to compensate for his size with loudness and obscenity, traits that were so very foreign to Sesshomaru.

The feeling was supposed to go away once he entered university, except it didn’t. The fact that his friends became just as infatuated with Sesshomaru as everyone else did not help with it either. All the invasive questions he was expected to answer — because you’re Sesshomaru’s brother? How cool is that! — were nothing but a painful reminder of how small he felt.

Even then and there, lost in a sea of loud, sleep deprived and high on caffeine people, he was still shining. He was still making Inuyasha feel like he didn’t belong.

“We should sit there,” Miroku said, hitting Inuyasha’s elbow with his tray as he walked behind him.

“Where? I don’t see any free tables around.”

Inuyasha looked around and found out that Sango was right. The usually half-empty cafeteria was crowded with students and even some professors, every seat occupied. Their only chance was finding someone willing to share their table.

“Straight ahead, first table on the left.”

His eyes followed Miroku’s instructions, hoping that they weren’t going to lead them where he thought they were. Indeed, he found Sesshomaru and his friends and next to them a couple of unoccupied seats.

“Absolutely not. I’d rather sit next to Kouga while he chews with his mouth open,” Inuyasha stated. He wasn’t going to be swayed.

“Oh, come on,” Miroku tried. “He’s your brother. There’s nothing wrong with sitting next to him.”

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. Luckly, Sango put his thoughts into words.

“I think the problem is that you want to sit next to him. And you have shady intentions.”

Miroku seemed particularly offended, like always. He and Sango bikered back and forth while Inuyasha was still looking for a table they could sit at.

“Guys, I really couldn’t care less about where we sit as long as we find somewhere. I’m hungry!” Kagome said. She was close enough to Inuyasha that it felt like she was yelling in his ear. Hungry Kagome was scary, so he had to find a table fast.

“You’re making this unnecessarily hard,” Miroku pointed out.

“And you’re a pervert.”

Unconsciously, he paused on Sesshomaru’s table once again and locked eyes with Kagura for a moment. He was ready to break the eye contact when she started waving at him.

“There are some free seats here!” she shouted, drawing a few displeased looks in her direction.

Right on cue, Miroku started walking towards their table, urging the others to follow him. Kagome shrugged in Inuyasha’s general direction and went along.

Just perfect, Inuyasha thought but followed them nonetheless. As shitty as the situation was already, he wanted to make sure Miroku would behave himself.

They managed to squeeze into the three seats with a bit of effort. Kagome’s thigh was practically glued to Inuyasha’s, but he tried his best to ignore it.

Sesshomaru was deep in conversation with Naraku, his roommate and high school friend. He didn’t seem to even acknowledge Inuyasha or his group’s presence, despite moving around to accommodate the new people at the table. Kagura, however, was pleased with having new conversation partners.

Out of all of Sesshomaru’s friends, she actually took the time to talk to Inuyasha whenever she was around. The validation was indeed nice, but there were moments — just like the present one— in which Inuyasha wished she were a little less social.

“How’s university treating you?”

“‘S good,” he said, mouth full of rice. Kagura seemed amused by it.

Miroku was patiently waiting for Sesshomaru’s attention and Inuyasha did too, for some unknown reason. He wanted at least a look, a nod of acknowledgement from his brother.

“I was thinking about a bring your own booze type of party. This way we don’t have to try and please everyone,” Naraku said, looking directly at Kagura as he spoke the last words.

“Am I supposed to be offended?” she asked.

“You’re supposed to feel ashamed of your shit taste in alcohol.”

“You’re the last person who should talk about shit taste. You drink piss beer.”

“If you’re about to fight yet again I’m leaving,” Sesshomaru said, calm yet exasperated. Inuyasha could see a glimmer of amusement in his eyes.

He got pretty good at reading Sesshomaru’s emotions off his usual blank stare. His facial muscles hardly moved, but everything else was telling enough. Like the way his jaw tensed when he was angry, his eyelids dropped when he was interested in something or someone. Sometimes, when he was embarrassed he would grab his left shoulder and faintly squeeze it and the most curious of them all: whenever he was happy he would look to his right. It didn’t matter if the object of his happiness was there or not, his golden irises always followed something on his right side.

“We’re just teasing. No need to get pissy. Anyway, party. Sesshomaru, you make the guest list,” Naraku informed them while looking for something in his backpack. He fished out a worn off notebook, ripped a piece of paper from it and handed it to his friend, along with a pen.

“I want to make the guest list,” Kagura objected, to which Sesshomaru shrugged.

“Go ahead,” he said, sliding the paper towards her.

Naraku groaned. “You already have stuff to do.”

Kagura wasn’t listening anymore. She scoured the room, looking at random people and judging whether or not they were cool enough to come to their party. Their awesome, post grad party.

Inuyasha was sick of it all, so he went back to his rice and decided to pay them no further mind. He expected University to be fun and while there were parts that were enjoyable, most of the people he met were much too preoccupied with trifling matters such as who slept with who and who has been invited to whos party. He got it — going to parties and getting wasted was fun; drunken hook-ups were cool as well, but they stopped being so when people decided there was something deeper behind them. Like some sort of social order.

Kagura was vigorously scribbling names on the piece of paper with Naraku looming over her shoulder and expressing his disapproval every few moments.

“You guys should come too. I doubt you’ve been to any cool parties yet.”

It took Inuyasha a while to realize she was talking to him and his friends. In fact, he only did it when Naraku scowled.

“They’re freshmen.” Naraku pointed out.

“Yeah, but they’re cool. Inuyasha is Sesshomaru’s brother, so he gets a pass.”

He wanted to say something, anything, but he couldn’t find any words. Instead, he looked at Sesshomaru half expecting to hear the disapproval in his voice. But Sesshomaru remained quiet, holding Inuyasha’s gaze mercilessly.

“We’d be honoured.” Miroku said and Kagome followed, thanking Kagura for the invitation.

Naraku was defeated.

“I guess if Sesshomaru is okay with it they can come.”

All eyes were now on Sesshomaru, who was still holding Inuyasha’s gaze as if trying to tell him something through looks alone. Except Inuyasha wasn’t fluent in the type of communication his brother deemed so natural.

“Fine by me.”

“Brilliant,” Kagura said, wasting no time to write their names on the guest list. “You have to bring your own drinks, though. Unless you want to drink Naraku’s piss beer.”

Inuyasha had a very bad feeling about the whole situation.

Inuyasha didn’t really get the whole arriving fashionably late thing. Sesshomaru told him the party was starting at six, so he made sure they arrived at Naraku's house at the designated time, which greatly amused his brother. Apparently, they were among the first guests to arrive.

“Is arriving on time that uncool?” Miroku asked, a bit flustered.

“Absolutely,” Sesshomaru said, inviting them inside nonetheless. He was dressed rather casually: a grey hoodie and a pair of matching sweatpants. The outfit was probably pricier than Inuyasha’s entire mall-brought wardrobe, but it definitely didn’t look like it and it made Inuyasha feel self conscious about his own outfit. Was he overdressed? Did it even matter?

“Stop picking on the freshmen,” Naraku chimed in. “The only uncool thing here is your outfit.”

Naraku, on the other hand, was sporting a blue sequin shirt that looked as if it came straight from a Donna Summer music video, matching eye make-up and all.

“I think it’s wonderful you’ve decided to arrive this early. You can help us get the place ready,” he continued with a fake cheerfulness that always pissed Inuyasha off. The fact that he made them feel like they decided to arrive early, like a bunch of losers, didn’t sit well with Inuyasha.

“We’d love to,” Kagome offered, and Naraku was quick to assign them things to do around.

“Come help me get the drinks ready, Inuyasha,” Sesshomaru told him, and he was ready to follow him to the kitchen, glad to get away from Naraku for the time being. Miroku, of course, decided to tag along, not wanting to miss the opportunity of Interacting with his object of desire in private.

“Did you seriously tell me to come at six knowing the party was going to start later?”

“But the party has already started,” Sesshomaru quipped, indicating that he wasn’t going to indulge Inuyasha in this matter.

He told them what to do, taking the beer bottles from the cases and arranging them on platters; five bottles of beer, two of wine and one of vodka, along with a pack of plastic cups. No more, no less.

“What happened with the bring your own booze thing?” Miroku asked, trying to squeeze the vodka bottle on an overcrowded platter. It was a poor attempt at starting a conversation, but getting Sesshomaru to talk wasn’t an easy feat.

“Naraku changed his mind,” the man said plainly. Miroku patiently waited for an explanation, but Inuyasha knew his brother wasn’t going to elaborate. That seemed to dissuade his friend from trying to start another conversation for a while. Perhaps he would be waiting for an opening later, when Sesshomaru would be under the influence and more talkative.

They worked in silence for a while. Inuyasha didn't really mind it; he was used to his brother's aloof and unapproachable demeanor. The quiet lasted until Kagura came by. She always seemed to bring noise with her whenever she went.

“Looking good, boys,” she said, taking a peek at the multitude of platters spread out on the counter. "I'm gonna have Naraku help you take those to the rooms."

Her eyes then settled on Miroku. “You look like you’re tech savvy. Mind giving me a hand with the sound system? I can't figure out why the bluetooth won't connect and these two are useless when it comes to technology.”

Miroku was about to protest, but it wouldn't have been a good look on him while trying to impress Sesshomaru, so he reluctantly agreed, leaving the two brothers by themselves. Little did he know that Sesshomaru was barely noticing him as it was.

Inuyasha could really make sense of the atmosphere. Was it more relaxed with Miroku gone, or was it even more tense?

Sesshomaru arranged the last batch of plastic cups on the final platter and started cleaning the resulting mess. All the packages that came with the cups and cardboard boxes that the wine bottles were deposited into were hastily thrown into an empty beer case.

"Dinner is at my mom’s this Thursday. She asked me to tell you if I see you around, but I suppose your parents have already got the invitation" Sesshomaru said unexpectedly, prompting Inuyasha to turn his head towards him, searching for his eyes as if they'd hold the deeper meaning behind his words.

"How come?"

Sesshomaru shrugged. "I suppose she wants to introduce you to her new boyfriend."

Inuyasha couldn't help but cringe at the words. Sesshoumaru's mom has been introducing them to her boyfriends for the past seven years and he's lost count of them. Perhaps even she had.

He wondered what was it like for Sesshoumaru… having so many strangers in his life that he had to interact with. The thought was disquieting, considering that Inuyasha's family had always been well adjusted and, well, together. His parents never split up and he's never had a step parent while Sesshomaru has had three already.

"How do you feel about that?" he asked, not really expecting to receive an honest answer. Sesshomaru rarely opened up about his family life.

"Doesn't bother me. I'm not living with her anymore so I don't have to force myself to be nice to him."

Inuyasha nodded. There wasn't anything else to do in the kitchen for them besides taking the platters and placing them in the rooms, but he didn't want to go yet and Sesshomaru made no move in that direction either.

"Have you met him?"

It wasn't uncommon for Sesshoumaru's mom to keep her relationship secret before the official introductions, even from her son, which Inuyasha thought was especially unfair and shitty,

"Yes. He's agreeable."

There wasn't much else to say as Sesshomaru wasn't giving a lot to work with, so they fell into silence again.

Noise outside the kitchen and the sound of the front door opening prompted Sesshomaru to address his younger brother once again.

“Don’t make a fool of yourself. And if you do, pretend you don’t know me.”

“Fuck off.”

“I’m not joking, Inuyasha. You cannot hold your alcohol and you do the most foolish things while intoxicated,” Sesshomaru stated matter of factly, then got off from the bar stool he had spent the last fifteen minutes on, making a few steps towards the door.

Inuyasha didn’t want him to leave yet, although he didn’t understand what difference his presence would have made.

“And you can?”

“No, but unlike you I know where my limit is, and I never cross it,” he said from the doorway, then left Inuyasha to his own devices.

The place became more lively, with people slowly arriving under Kagura’s watchful eyes. Every time someone new crossed the threshold, welcomed by either Naraku or Sesshomaru, she would cross them off the guest list. Whether it was some sort of ritual or a weird, clique thing, Inuyasha didn’t know and didn’t really care.

Sango and Kagome were nowhere to be found and Miroku was still tinkering with the sound system. Without anything more interesting to do, Inuyasha started exploring the house. Naraku’s family was living in a fancy six bedroom house close to the periphery. They had a shit ton of money and were often away on business trips or on exotic vacations. Although Naraku himself was no longer living there—he and Sesshomaru have been sharing a flat near the university for three years—, that didn’t stop him from bribing his brothers and sisters out of the house and using it to throw the most sought out parties.

The place seemed eerily quiet, but it wasn’t going to stay like this for long. Inuyasha took a beer bottle from the nearest table and opened it with his teeth. He took a greedy sip, preparing for what promised to be a long and tedious night.

It didn’t take a genius to realise that Inuyasha was following Sesshomaru around the whole night. Wherever his older brother was and whoever he was talking to, Inuyasha was around, never letting him out of sight.

Likewise, Sango was more or less chaperoning Miroku. She’d occasionally catch Inuyasha’s eyes and they would nod to each other, a discrete sign of understanding and no questions asked. Inuyasha was more than grateful for it.

He spent most of his time with Kagome, until a group of positively drunk older girls approached them, clearly not interested in him, and started complimenting her nails — they weren’t even painted — urging her to join them. Kagome was preening, and Inuyasha didn’t blame her. Getting noticed by cooler kids was nice, no matter how wasted they were.

Thus, he was left alone and found out he didn’t mind it so much. Two beers later he was feeling tipsy. Not yet drunk, but a couple more drinks would have solved that. Remembering Sesshomaru’s warning, he decided to lay low for the night. Until Miroku found him. “I’m doing shots with a bunch of economists. Come join us.”

“Pass,” he said

“Come on, it’s fun. We’re playing poker. I was this close to winning five awadamas.”

Inuyasha laughed and Miroku joined him, clearly drunk. He briefly considered it, looking around for Sesshomaru. He didn’t seem to move since Inuyasha last followed him; still sprawled on the couch, talking to a guy he found out was Naraku’s cousin, leisurely smoking a blunt. He seemed okay, and joining Miroku meant he would be able to keep a constant eye on his friend, so he gave in.

Thirty minutes later he was chugging his third vodka shot, drunkenness imminent. The guys around the table were urging each other to fill up the glasses and each card played caused an uproar among them. The atmosphere was nice, Inuyasha admitted. One of them — he couldn’t remember their names — lit up a couple of blunts and passed them around the table. One reached Inuyasha pretty soon and he said fuck it, sucking on it greedly and letting the smoke fill up his lungs.

It was indeed nice, he thought, looking at the fresh hand of cards he was dealt. His shot glass was also filled and everyone around the table gulped the liquid down.

“You were right. It is fun,” he told Miroku but received no answer.

After inhaling another round of smoke, he turned around to his friend only to find the seat next to him empty.

“Where’s Miroku?” he asked the guy seated directly in front of him. He shrugged.

“Said he was going to take a piss or something,” another said. Everyone was waiting for his action, but the cards became blurry in his hand and the whole world seemed to slow down.

He looked around for either Sesshomaru or Miroku, but he couldn’t see any of them. He panicked, but didn’t really understand why. His stomach felt funny.

“I think I have to…”

The guy next to him yanked one of his cards up and placed it on the table. Everyone laughed like it was the funniest thing ever and the game continued for a bit. Then everyone was looking at him, expecting him to do something. He had to find Sesshomaru, but remembering why became harder and harder. He was sweating and shivering.

A full glass materialised in front of him.

“Drink it!” they were urging him, laughing. He had to get out of there. He felt like vomiting. Had to find…

“Cut it out,” someone said.

Inuyasha turned his head towards the voice only to find it was Sesshomaru’s.

“We’re just having a bit of fun, no need to get upset over it.”

“You gave the very drunk freshman a blunt. He’s clearly greening out and you’re laughing.”

“Oh come on, Hagino, he’s okay.”

Inuyasha’s eyes tried to follow the speakers, and his ears tried to make sense of the conversation, but neither seemed to work too well. The urge to get in front of a toilet bowl and empty the contents of his stomach was getting stronger.

Sesshomaru picked up the half empty vodka bottle from the table and, much to everyone else’s amusement, emptied its contents on one of the guys’ head. Hollering emerged across the table, but he wasn’t paying any more attention to them.

“Inuyasha, can you stand?” Sesshomaru asked. His voice was gentle and his pupils were dilated. Inuyasha didn’t respond on cue, but rather took the time to observe the bits and pieces of his brother’s face he didn’t usually get to see this close. He was beautiful.

Sesshomaru was patient, waiting for his answer without pushing him.

“Ye-yeah.”

His brother helped him up, holding onto him as they climbed the stairs. “How do you feel?”

Inuyasha remembered something vaguely. He had to find Miroku. No, he had to find Sesshomaru. But Sesshomaru was already next to him. His arm was around his waist, holding him up as they walked.

“Dizzy. Nauseous.”

“We’re going to get you to lie down. You’ll feel better.”

His words were reassuring. The world was spinning and everything was so, so confusing, but Inuyasha felt reassured. He wanted Sesshomaru to never leave his side.

Someone downstairs screamed something about pizza. Probably Kagura. The music was loud and overwhelming.

Sesshomaru opened one of the many doors in Naraku’s house, searching for an empty bedroom. Two girls were making out on the bed, but it only took a deadly look from his brother for them to move their business elsewhere.

Sesshomaru deposited his brother on the bed. “I’m going to get you some water and a bucket in case you feel like vomiting. I’ll be right back so don’t freak out.”

Inuyasha nodded, registering about half of the words Sesshomaru was addressing him. His head felt heavy and his stomach protested. Why the fuck was he so sweaty? Was his heart beating faster? Oh shit, he had to make sure Miroku wouldn’t try anything with his brother.

He tried to get up but failed miserably. Someone helped, and placed the rim of a water glass against his lips. Not someone, but Sesshomaru. He drank a little, then was helped down on the comfortable mattress once again.

“Sesshomaru…”

“Yes?”

“Miroku wants to hook up with you. Don’t hook up with Miroku.”

It was such a dumb thing to tell Sesshomaru, but he didn’t seem annoyed. Curious. He chuckled.

“I won’t. Are you still nauseous?”

“A bit. Am I going to die? It feels like I’m going to die.”

“You’re not. You just drank like a pig, like I predicted you would, and got high. Try to get some sleep. You’ll feel better if you do.”

Inuyasha reached for Sesshomaru’s sleeve, gripping it hard. “Stay with me?”

He expected to be shouted at, but Sesshomaru’s voice remained gentle. “Yes, I’m here.”

Inuyasha woke up with the driest mouth ever and a pounding headache. He looked around, but his eyes refused to cooperate and adjust to the pitch black surroundings. The muffled sound of loud music and the vibration of the bass were seeping through the room. So he was still at the party, he decided. He must’ve backed out after doing shots with Miroku and the…

“Shit shit shit,” Inuyasha muttered, frantically searching for a light switch, his phone… anything. “Sesshomaru…”

“I’m here.”

For a brief second Inuyasha’s heart stopped. “What the fuck.”

The sound of a light switch and the room was filled by the faint light of a bedside lamp. Inuyasha’s eyes tried to accommodate themselves and process the surroundings. He somehow got to a bed and blacked out there. For some reason, Sesshomaru was lying next to him.

“I presume you’re feeling a bit better.”

Inuyasha looked at his brother and then looked around, visibly confused. He slowly registered the state of his body, the thin layer of sweat that was covering it and the dull ache of his stomach. He recalled the earthy smell of smoke and the warmth in his lungs.

“What the fuck happened?”

“Don’t worry,” Sesshomaru assured him, “I didn’t hook up with Miroku.”

“What? How the…?”

“I found you doing shots with some guys from economics. They gave you a blunt and you greened out. It was quite a show.”

“And you… stayed here? With me?”

Sesshomaru shrugged. “You asked me to. Besides, I didn’t mind getting away from the party for a while.”

A groan escaped Inuyasha, the ache in his head getting stronger. He lay back down next to Sesshomaru, trying to find a comfortable position. Breathing didn’t seem as painful when he kept his eyes shut.

Sesshomaru dimmed the lights in sympathy. Everything was okay.

“What’s the matter with your friend?”

“Huh?”

“Miroku.”

“Oh yeah,” Inuyasha responded. “He might’ve heard some rumours going around and now he’s dead set on fucking you. Don’t fuck him. He’s my friend, but he’s also a pervert.”

“Duly noted. What sort of rumour would that be?”

Inuyasha sighed and turned around to look his brother in the eyes. Definitely not the kind of conversation he wanted to have with him right then. Not with the splitting headache and his stomach threatening to empty itself with every movement.

“I think you know.”

Sesshomaru chuckled. When Inuyasha looked at him he looked back, holding his gaze fiercely. It was easy for his brother to pretend they didn’t know each other — the similarities in appearance were few and far between, their mother’s genes overpowering everything their father could’ve given them. Sesshomaru was beautiful. It was a thought that seldom crossed Inuyasha’s mind, but when it did, it was almost uninvited.

“And you took it upon yourself to chaperone me for the entire night and make sure I don’t fuck your friend. How noble.”

“You know that’s not true.”

Sesshomaru raised an eyebrow. “Is it not? What if I wanted to sleep with your friend? If, say, he managed to corner me while you weren’t around and I would have accepted? What then?”

“You don’t mean that. You wouldn’t have slept with Miroku.”

“No, I wouldn’t, but I could, if I wanted to. And you, little brother, have no say in who I fuck.”

“Well, ex-fucking-cuse me for wanting to protect you.”

“Protect me?”

“Miroku’s an asshole, okay? He fucks a girl once or twice, gets bored of her and leaves. Rinse and repeat. I didn’t want you to go through this, given what happened last time…”

Sesshomaru laughed like he always did when somebody offended him greatly. Inuyasha was stepping into dangerous territory.

“Because I fall in love with everyone I fuck.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it.”

“Eat my fucking ass. I’m trying to take care of you.”

“Why do you even care?”

“Because I care about you, you fucking asshole!”

That rendered Sesshomaru speechless, and Inuyasha too, for different reasons. He didn’t mean to actually say it, but the obscurity of the room, the stale smell of beer and the constant vibrations around them urged him to do it. It seemed less real somehow, not as heavy as it would’ve been if he said the same words to Sesshomaru in broad daylight while they were both sober.

“You’re my brother. You’re the biggest douchebag ever and you almost bit off my finger once but I… care about you. I almost lost you because of some shithead and I don’t want you to ever go through that again.”

“Even if that means I never get to fall in love again?”

The words stung, for some unknown reason. Imagining his brother holding someone’s hand, kissing them and being happy was weird. After everything that had happened, it seemed too good to be true.

“By all means, go fall in love, just… can you stay away from shitty people? Can’t you do it with someone who respects you? It’s all I’m asking.”

Sesshomaru didn’t bother with an answer and Inuyasha was happy to just let the conversation die. He struggled with breathing more or less evenly, trying to keep the pain at bay with little success. The agitation brought by their heated conversation certainly didn’t help with his shitty state.

“I’ll get you some water and painkillers. You should try to sleep it off.”

He wanted to argue, but Sesshomaru didn't give him the opportunity. “I won’t sleep with Miroku, so stop worrying over such nonsense.”

Next time Inuyasha woke up in the same bed, with the same loud chatter and shitty music playing in the background, he wasn’t startled by finding his brother next to him, sleeping soundly. A faint smile materialised across his lips.

Sesshomaru would have never in a million years told Inuyasha he cared about him, but they both knew he did. After all, there he was, rescuing him from the embarrassment of the century, finding him a quiet room to rest in, offering him water and painkillers and actually staying by his side as he slept. A warm, fuzzy feeling took over Inuyasha's insides.

He turned around in search for any device that could’ve told him what the time was, but his phone was nowhere in sight and if there was a watch on any of the walls, it was too dark to make sense of it.

Sesshomaru didn’t seem too happy with his restlessness. “Stop moving.”

“How long were we asleep?” Inuyasha asked instead.

“You were asleep for a couple of hours. As you can see, the party is still going."

"I gotta find my friends and tell them I'm okay." Kagome must have been worried sick by now, unless she was too drunk to even notice his disappearance. Even so, Inuyasha didn't make any move other than turning back around to look at his brother.

No matter how dark the room, his eyes always had a glimmer in them. It was one of the few things they shared, and perhaps the most prominent feature they had. Looking into Sesshomaru's eyes was like looking into his own; for a younger Inuyasha that used to mean the world.

Sesshoumaru's eyelids dropped, shielding his pupils and forcing Inuyasha to look elsewhere. Despite the darkness, Inuyasha had his face memorised. His high, defined cheekbones. His lips, just like his mother's, narrow and rosy. She's your carbon copy, his father used to tell Chiyoko. Then, he looks just like his mother, some extended relative would say whenever Sesshomaru was out of hearing reach. He's always found comparisons distasteful, and Inuyasha understood why. Yet there was no denying his brother resembled his mother greatly, just how Inuyasha himself took after his own.

"You're staring."

"I'm not. it's not like I can even see anything."

They both knew it was a lie. Inuyasha was always looking at his elder brother with a mixture of admiration and envy. An anxiety inducing feeling of inadequacy.

Sesshomaru sighed, not pressing on the matter any more.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better," Inuyasha said, voice cracking unbecomingly, to which his brother laughed.

"I knew something like this would happen, but Kagura was quite adamant about you joining us."

"You didn't oppose," Inuyasha pointed out.

"I didn't," he agreed.

They fell into a comfortable silence, disrupted only by the many muffled noises outside the room. Whatever happened there seemed of little importance. It was as if in that foreign room they were far, far away from everything and everyone else, trapped into their little world of quiet, darkness and headaches.

“Thanks for helping me.”

The outline of Sesshomaru’s body moved into a shrug and the corner of Inuyasha’s lips raised into a faint smile.

“Father would’ve given me the scolding of the year if I didn’t. I’m supposed to take care of you.”

“I’m not twelve,” Inuyasha said with indignation.

“Tell him that. I had a curfew up until I was 22, and he didn’t even live with us.”

They both laughed. “Yeah, I know how he is. Heard him calling you almost every night, asking about your day and whether you were home or not. Then he came straight to my room to see if I was in bed.”

Talking about their lives like this was a rare occurrence, with Sesshomaru being rather scant on small talk, especially with family members. Yet it was nice, giving into the intimacy of shared family and openly admitting their closeness.

Sesshomaru sighed, and his hand wandered towards Inuyasha’s body. The younger man couldn’t help but try to follow its movement up until a neatly manicured finger touched his cheek. Brief and feather-like, as if Sesshomaru was afraid that any more pressure would break him, or maybe that a surer touch would actually mean something.

Inuyasha inhaled sharply and leaned into the touch, forcing Sesshomaru to touch his cheek with his entire palm, leaning against it. He closed his eyes, taking in the overpowering scent that followed his brother perpetually: sweet, pleasant, but much too potent. Even his smell seemed to send a well known message: desirable, yet unattainable.

Inuyasha’s body moved closer to his brother’s almost subconsciously, and upon opening his eyes, he saw Sesshomaru had done the same. They were close enough that he could feel the alcohol on Sesshomaru’s breath. He inhaled it greedly, shrinking the space between their mouths even more. He was about to kiss his brother, taste his heavy breath and uncover parts of him that were so neatly hidden. He was about to…

“Fuck. I’m sorry,” Inuyasha coughed, pulling away at the last moment. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I just — shit . I guess I’m still drunk.”

A thousand thoughts raced through his head at the same time; making sense of any of them was impossible, yet one of them stood out: he shouldn’t have done that. Yet, he regretted pulling away and that brought him an immense sense of guilt he didn’t want to dwell on.

Sesshomaru didn’t move at all. Looking at him was too risky, so Inuyasha kept his gaze on the nearest wall, waiting for him to say something. Anything.

“Alcohol doesn’t make you do things you wouldn’t do sober. They just come easier when you’re under the influence.”

“So you say I wanted to kiss you?”

“Did you?”

Inuyasha scoffed. Suddenly, his headache and his heart was beating like crazy. The darkness became more and more oppressing and the once soothing cacophony of noises behind the door irritating. Sesshomaru’s own presence became threatening, the air between them heavier.

That’s what guilt felt like, Inuyasha realised.

“I think I’m going to go… find my friends,” he said after a beat. Getting out of bed was a slow, painful process. His head was pounding like crazy once again and a fresh wave of nausea overwhelmed him, but he managed to get his feet on the ground. Shouldn’t be that hard, Inuyasha thought, but before he could get upright, Sesshomaru grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back to the bed.

“What the…”

Whatever he was meaning to say faded into oblivion as Sesshomaru pressed his lips against Inuyasha’s. Unlike the faint touch earlier, the pressure against his lips was steady and sure. Sesshomaru’s lips moved against his own, unphased by the lack of response.

Inuyasha thought about pushing him away for about a second. Then he did the opposite, responding to the kiss eagerly, pulling his brother’s body closer to his. It was hot, heavy and so, so fucking wrong. Worst of it all, Inuyasha didn’t want it to end. Sesshomaru pulled away enough to get fresh air into his lungs and Inuyasha mirrored his action, preparing for the worst. Yet the gap between their mouths closed once again, drawing a moan out of Inuyasha.

As their mouths opened more and more and their tongues slid against each other, Inuyasha thought about each of his first kisses; Kikyo placing a light peck on his lips in ninth grade, Miroku and him fooling around in the dorms, his face in Kagome’s soft hands — kissing Sesshomaru was so unlike any of them. It was exquisite, raw, dirty… guilt-ridden. It was wrong.

It was so wrong.

Inuyasha pushed him away. He desperately tried not to show how panicked he was, but judging by Sesshomaru’s reaction, it didn’t seem to work. He decided to spare himself the embarrassment and address the elephant in the room.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he half shouted, voice shaky and breath rigged.

“Kissing you, and you were kissing me back” Sesshomaru responded, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Inuyasha wasn’t in the mood for his usual games.

“Why?” he inquired, ignoring his brother’s remark. This wasn’t on him, he thought, even though it was a blatant lie. It was Sesshomaru that closed the gap between their lips and forced him to respond to his kiss.

“It comes easier, now that I’m under the influence.”

“Are you fucking with me? Are you genuinely… ugh. You saw me getting fucked up and decided to what, be an asshole about it? Pretend to take care of me just so you could humiliate me further when I did something embarrassing? You’re the worst-”

“Inuyasha, calm down. This has nothing to do with you greening out. I kissed you because I wanted to.”

Whatever was happening, whatever shit life was throwing at him at that moment, Inuyasha decided it was too much. He didn’t want to deal with it any more. Didn’t want to listen to Sesshomaru.

“I wanna go home. I’m going home,” he said, finally getting out of bed and making the five steps to the door. It felt like they were the most important five steps of his entire life while also being the hardest to take. The whole room was spinning, and little pulsating worms of light engulfed his vision after getting up too suddenly.

“Wait, I’ll have Kagura drive you.”

“Are you fucking crazy? She’s probably even more fucked than I am. I’ll just take the train.”

“Wait, Inuyasha,” Sesshomaru tried again, following him out of the room. “Kagura’s on antidepressants. She doesn’t drink, she can drive you. Please, let me make sure you get home safely.”

“Otherwise dad is going to smack the shit out of you,” Inuyasha bit back, not expecting Sesshomaru to take the bait. Although Sesshomaru had done a lot of unexpected things that evening.

“Otherwise dad is going to smack the shit out of me,” Sesshomaru agreed.

---

Kagura was too tired to be her usual, overly social self and Inuyasha was thankful for it. He already had too many things on his mind; besides trying to make sense of whatever the fuck happened between Sesshomaru and him, he was preparing and excuse for arriving home in the dead of night smelling like alcohol and weed. All of his plans for the night involved leaving with Miroku and going to his dorm until he was in a decent enough state to face his parents, but Sesshomaru insisted he should return home. Inuyasha realised he wasn’t going to leave his room for the foreseeable future, and that he was oddly at peace with that.

“Rough night?” Kagura finally asked when the line of cars in front of them didn’t seem like moving even after the light turned green.

“You could say that.”

She chuckled, but it was far from genuine.

“Sleep it off, eat something greasy tomorrow and you’ll be fine.”

Inuyasha hummed, tapping his nail against the screen of his phone. It died sometime during one of his naps. The thought of how many messages and missed calls were awaiting him was not a pleasant one, so he pushed it away.

“Why did you invite us to the party?”

Kagura didn’t spare him a glance. She pushed the clutch and the car moved a bit until it stopped again. The traffic was ridiculous.

“I don’t know. Thought maybe you wanted to party with the cool kids. I remember how lame freshmen parties were. Why did you come?”

For Sesshomaru, he thought. In hindsight, it made little sense: Sesshomaru was more than able to take care of himself, and whatever noble mission of saving his brother’s honour and fragile heart from Miroku Inuyasha embarked on was bullshit. He didn’t want anyone else to have his brother like that. To think why was that was scary, especially after everything that had happened between them.

“I guess I did want to party with the cool kids,” he said, resting his head against the cold window.

Inuyasha has come online.

#1 Pervert: DUDE are you alive???

Kagome: Oh my god he lives

Inuyasha: hi guys

#1 Pervert: you did us so dirty, man. where did you go last night?? we looked for you everywhere more or less

Inuyasha: I blacked out and kagura drove me home. didnt sesshomaru tell you?

Kagome: Sesshomaru disappeared too.

Inuyasha: huh

#1 Pervert: such a shame I almost had him

Inuyasha: I’m sure you did

Kagome: He didn’t. Anyway, we were really worried about you. You could’ve called, or texted at least.

Inuyasha: sorry, my phone died. did anything else happen while I was away?

#1 Pervert: apparently sesshomaru poured vodka on some guys head???? I wasn’t there so idk.

Kagome: I blacked out too, but Sango was more or less sober and she got me home. Ah, some med students tried to hook up with me.

Inuyasha: and?

Kagome: I don’t really remember, I think I just puked on their shoes.

#1 Pervert: that’s our girl!

Inuyasha: lol

Kagome: How about you? Got home safe? Everything okay?

Inuyasha: yeah. luckly my dad wasn’t home when I came back. mom told me she’ll keep our secret, so I think I’m fine. Iaying low for a bit. I have a splitting headache and I puked like seven times

#1 Pervert: yuck

Kagome: I guess that’s a pretty good sign we should just stick to our lame freshmen parties.

#1 Pervert: speak for yourself

Inuyasha: I don’t want to go to any party ever again.

Inuyasha put his phone down on the desk, face down to block all upcoming notifications, although there weren’t a lot of other people who could’ve been looking for him.

Except maybe Sesshomaru. But Sesshomaru didn’t ever text or call him, and Inuyasha was damn sure a stupid kiss wasn’t going to change that. Still, he didn’t want to risk accidentally opening a message from him. Two could play the game.

He was more than exhausted, the ache that made its way into his bones yesterday night not leaving him for a second.

The statistics homework he had started in a desperate attempt to take his mind off the events of the previous night lied uselessly in front of him. Kagome assured him she’ll give him hers to copy, but for once Inuyasha wanted not to feel like a fucking failure. The fact that it wasn’t working worsened his mood.

His mom didn’t ask a lot of questions, not even when she took a whiff of his clothes. She was probably waiting for him to confess, like always. There was little to say, though, besides I got super drunk and now I feel like shit and please don’t tell dad, but those things were said with pleading gazes alone. The rest, regardless of how much he wished to, Inuyasha couldn’t say.

So he did lay low for a while. Went to classes then straight home, avoiding any possible situations in which Sesshomaru and him would end up in the same room. He helped Izayoi around the household, did most of his homework (although he ended up copying the statistics one after all), caught up with his projects and acted, for once, like the son Toga always wanted. The silent appreciation in his father’s eyes was nice enough that he briefly considered living the rest of his life like this. It was the briefest of considerations, though. Sesshomaru had most of that covered and if Inuyasha started following his footsteps, there would be little spice to their family reunions anymore.

At night, when nothing was there to keep the thoughts at bay, when there were no distractions in sight, his thoughts ate at him. Sesshomaru’s face popped up in his mind’s eye every so often, and the phantom feeling of his lips against Inuyasha’s kept tormenting him.

I kissed you because I wanted to, his brother said. Inuyasha came to know the words, the sound of his brother’s voice and every inflection of it by rote. He had repeated those very same words to himself enough times to catch the unnerving implication that Sesshomaru had been wanting to do it for some time.

And above everything else, there was Inuyasha’s desperate want, felt in the most intimate parts of himself, like a flame immune to extinguishing. Inuyasha wanted to kiss Sesshomaru again. He wanted to believe his drunken words, the tacit confession. He wanted it to be real, despite the consequences, and it scared him.

The flame, he realised, was there for some time, burning so faintly that it was almost imperceptible. But then Sesshomaru kindled it and it began burning with a terrifying intensity, obliterating the woods of Inuyasha’s soul. No other flame ravaging his insides was quite like that one. No other fire burned into the form of his flawless, unattainable brother.

Nights like those were the hardest, and the fact that Sesshomaru was giving him no sign of life didn’t make it any better. Inuyasha genuinely tried to play it cool and not check his phone every ten minutes only to be disappointed by the eleventh cat meme Kagome sent him. It didn’t work.

By the third day doubt started creeping in and he became painfully aware of the fact that whatever happened between them at the party meant nothing to Sesshomaru. Inuyasha was alone in his suffering and for his brother it was most likely one of the many dumb things he did while under the influence.

It infuriated Inuyasha.

---

“Have you thought about what you’re going to wear tomorrow?” Izayoi asked.

Inuyasha took another forkful of the semi-burnt lasagna, considering both the question and the state of the food. Since she became a stay at home mom, Izayoi began filling her free time with culinary adventures. Lately, she was really into mastering Italian cuisine and it wasn’t working very well, but neither Inuyasha nor Toga had the heart to tell her.

“What’s happening tomorrow?”

“We’re having dinner at Chiyoko’s. Surely you remember. I was thinking you could wear the nice shirt I got you last time I went to my parent’s. You’d look very handsome in it.”

“At least let him wear something that is not flower patterned. You’re turning him into a garden,” his father chimed in.

Inuyasha was half listening to their conversation. Somehow, the fact that they were supposed to go to Sesshomaru’s mom for dinner completely evaded his mind.

“Uh, I was going to Sango’s. We have a, uh… project.”

“Isn’t Sango studying engineering?” Toga queried, eyebrow raised.

“Yeah. What about it.”

“You’re a psychology student. What project could you possibly do together?”

“Um.”

Inuyasha was trying to put his scrambled brain to work and find a logical explanation — for the project, maybe for lying, depending on what Toga would seem more upset about, but his father interrupted him.

“Look, I know it’s pretty tiring and it’s not like I’m overjoyed about meeting Chiyoko’s third boyfriend this year either, but she’s family and we should be by her side. She likes you and wants you there. Besides, Sesshomaru is going to be there too, and nobody is going to force you guys to stay at the table and listen to old people talking. I’m sure you could catch up with your brother in the meantime. It’ll be fun.”

Turning to his mom for support didn’t prove very efficient as she had eyes for Toga only and when she did catch Inuyasha’s pleading gaze, she only nodded in encouragement.

He was defeated. The last thing he wanted to do was to be in the same room with the person occupying most of his thoughts, but no matter what he did, there was no escape from this.

Sesshomaru’s mom lived relatively close — about three train stations and ten minutes of walking distance. It was nowhere near enough time for Inuyasha to gather up his courage and stop fussing over being in the same room with his brother once again. But then, Inuyasha realised, no amount of time would prepare him for it.

His mother, always so perceptive, kept asking if he was feeling okay the entire morning, pointing out just how pale and restless he looked. It was sweet, if not pushy. The fourth time she asked, twenty minutes into their train ride, he gave up and decided to make up something.

“I think I like boys too,” he whispered, making a show of avoiding any attention from his father for good measure. He was a few seats away, nose buried into his tablet, filling reports and whatnot.

Izayoi grinned and patted him on the back lovingly. “I already know that, dear. I’m pretty sure your father is aware as well.”

“And he’s okay with that?”

“Do I have to remind you that his other son used to be his daughter? And that he loves him just as much? I think you’re fine, but he might nag about having grandchildren somewhere down the line. Whoever you decided to bring home and introduce to us, I promise you nothing will change between us. I’ll make sure I’ll embarrass you just the same.”

Inuyasha cleared his throat. “Thanks mom.”

He had no idea why he decided to bring that up then. Perhaps he wanted Izayoi to comfort him without actually telling her the reason for which he needed comfort. In truth, he did like a boy, except it wasn’t that simple. And said boy was a manipulative, sly asshole that wanted nothing but to fuck with his mind. Also his brother. Pretty important fact right there.

“So tell me about this boy you like,” his mom asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that lingered between them.

The shirt she made Inuyasha wear seemed to get tighter.

“What?”

“Well, I figured out there might be someone you meet at that party. Otherwise why bring it up now?”

“Umm, I don’t know. I just—” Fuck if that was a conversation he wanted to ever have. “I guess I did meet someone. He was nice and we… uh, kissed. I got super drunk and he was really nice about it and got me water and a bucket to puke in and…”

Why the fuck was he telling all of this to his mom?

“And?”

“And nothing. I was feeling pretty bad and Sesshomaru had Kagura drove me home. You already know that.”

Izayoi hummed in understanding. “So when are you going to bring him home and introduce him to us?”

“Uh, never? I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him again.”

“I suppose you will be meeting him again at some point. Maybe you can continue from where you left off and see where this goes. I’m not saying you should yearn for him for the rest of your life, but if you did really like him, then don’t let it die here.”

“I don’t think so. He’s off limits.”

“In what way?”

Inuyasha thought about it for a few seconds, as saying ‘He’s my half-brother’ was probably not the best idea.

“He’s very much in the closet and he’s very weird about it. I don’t really know what his home situation is like but he kept asking me not to tell anything to anyone and was pretty scared.”

“Oh.”

Lying to his mother wasn’t Inuyasha’s favourite thing to do. Lying to his dad was a weekly occurrence, and Izayoi was always here to back him up and keep his harmless truth omissions safe, which made doing the same thing to her even shittier. However, he couldn’t deny that sharing a tiny part of his worries and letting go of some of the build up anxiety was nice. Sure, she lacked a shit ton of context and unlike all his other lies, this one was far from harmless and would never get uncovered, but despite that, she knew how to make him feel better. If anything, her warm, small hand rubbing circles around his shoulders was enough to put him at ease.

“Well, everybody’s situation is different and there’s nothing much you can do about it. I suppose being with someone in secret, not being able to express your love for them openly is not ideal and nobody should go through that, but… I guess you’ll have to think about it. If we like someone enough, we’re sometimes willing to put up with a lot of things, but whatever you do, think about your happiness first.”

“Thanks, mom. I will. I just—”

Before he could finish the sentence, his father chimed in. He was no longer seated, but standing in front of them, tablet in his hand.

“I hate to interrupt this beautiful mother-son bonding moment but we’re getting off at the next station.” 

He was in turn interrupted by the recording announcing the next stop and the movement of people around them trying to reach the exit. They followed Toga in silence.

Inuyasha’s father had a way of saying every word as if it was riddled with sarcasm, but it was rarely the case. He was stern, proper and a bit of a control freak, but he was also understanding and supportive. A lot like Sesshomaru. For some reason, the realisation made Inuyasha’s stomach churn.

They arrived earlier than expected, mostly due to the fact that Izayoi wasn’t wearing heels and could match Toga’s lengthy steps. His parents talked the whole way to Chiyoko’s apartment in a way that was so very them. The conversation spun mostly around Toga’s work and household management and there wasn’t anything romantic or even friendly about it. Yet there it was, pure adoration in both of their eyes, making Inuyasha wonder if that was something he could ever have for himself. Talking about bills and complaining about work ethics was not the most entertaining thing, but maybe, in the company of the right person, it didn’t have to be. Pondering on that helped him take his mind off Sesshomaru for a bit.

It all came back when they reached the apartment building and his father rang the intercom. Was it too late to bulshit his way out of this mess? He wasn’t, in any way shape or form ready to face Sesshomaru.

Chiyoko opened the door and urged them in with her usual enthusiasm. Inuyasha liked her; she had that charisma that put everyone around at ease and made them feel comfortable, but not even that could snap him out of his nervousness. As they advanced through the apartment, Sesshomaru was nowhere to be found. A glimmer of hope erupted in Inuyasha’s heart.

She introduced them to her new boyfriend, a rather unremarkable middle aged man whose name Inuyasha instantly forgot. He smiled politely at him nonetheless and tried to engage in small talk. As expected, the man was surprised to hear that Chiyoko was such good friends with her ex husband and his wife, so much so as to invite them over. Inuyasha was used to this — his family situation wasn’t exactly common, but it didn’t bother him. Toga was still Sesshomaru’s father, and did everything he could to be present in both his son’s lives. Besides, as far as Inuyasha was concerned, Sesshomaru’s mom and him split up on good terms.

“Why don’t we go to the dining room? I’m sure everyone’s thinking about lunch already,” Chiyoko said. “Believe it or not, I cooked this one. Sesshomaru helped too, and we take no criticism.”

Izayoi chuckled as they followed her into the spacious dining room. Everything in Chiyoko’s apartment was made of marble, glass or some equally expensive looking material. Inuyasha often forgot that she made more money than his entire family and Sesshomaru was probably living more comfortably than he ever did. He didn’t mind it as much, but still felt uncomfortable whenever they visited. He briefly wondered what his father was feeling about this.

“Speaking of which, where is Sesshomaru?” Toga asked.

“Oh, he’s in his room, I think. Why don’t you go call him over, Inuyasha?”

Inuyasha’s heart skipped a beat. Somehow, he got used to the idea that Sesshomaru wasn’t home and managed to relax a little. Now, Chiyoko was asking him to fetch his brother, which meant seeing him eye to eye, in private.

He hesitated for a moment, but Izayoi gently nudged him with her elbow. He was already acting quite strange, no need to make it worse.

“S-sure.”

Inuyasha tried to stretch out the few steps to Sesshomaru’s room as much as he could, gathering all his courage. What the fuck was he supposed to say to his brother? Pretend nothing has happened? That was Sesshomaru’s strategy considering he didn’t even bother reaching out to Inuyasha afterwards. Perhaps he even forgot about it. Yes, most likely. It was one of the many stupid things he did while drunk at a college party. It probably meant nothing to him. That particular line of thought made Inuyasha feel like an idiot; it took one little kiss to devoid him from any semblance of control and it probably meant nothing to the other person. God, he was such an idiot.

Softly turning the door knob around, Inuyasa made his mind; he wasn’t going to linger on to this. It was nothing but a drunken mistake, despite Sesshomaru’s words. It didn’t mean anything at that time and it wasn’t ever going to.

He found his brother behind the door, just as expected. He had his back turned, speaking on the phone while looking through the massive windows and leisurely puffing out cigarette smoke. Inuyasha briefly wondered if Chiyoko was cool enough to let him smoke indoors. 

He paid Inuyasha no mind, still talking about paintings and canvases to whoever was on the other side of the line. He wasn’t even aware of his presence.

Inuyasha held his breath, giving himself a chance to… look. His eyes were glued to Sesshomaru. To the delicate way he was holding the cigarette in his neatly manicured fingers. His nails were long, painted white and blue. He was wearing loose, yellow pants and a matching blazer was draped over a chair next to him. The muscles of his back, exposed by the cropped tee he was wearing, were rising and falling with his breaths and words, hair waving with every move. He looked like he was coming straight from the pages of a fashion magazine. He was beautiful.

“I should go help my mother serve lunch. Yes, we have guests. Yes. I’ll talk to you soon.”

He ended the call then inhaled from the cigarette one more time, not moving from his spot by the window. It occurred to Inuyasha that he wasn’t moving either. In fact, he was still holding his breath, still watching. There was no way he could face his brother with a straight face.

The sound of him clearing his throat filled the space, prompting Sesshomaru to finally turn around. If he was surprised by Inuyasha’s presence, he didn’t show it.

“Hi,” Inuyasha said. 

“Hello, Inuyasha,” It was rather subtle, but Sesshomaru’s voice was strained.

“Your mom is, uh, waiting for you.”

He nodded, pointing to his half smoked cigarette with his chin.

“I’ll be there shortly.”

Inuyasha didn’t know what to respond, or do. Was he supposed to leave or wait for Sesshomaru to finish so they could go together? He didn’t want to, but maybe he wasn’t welcomed…

“How have you been?” Sesshomaru asked, before he had enough time to overthink and panic even more. 

“What?”

“I asked how you’ve been. I haven't heard from you… lately.”

Lately as in after the party, that’s what Sesshomaru meant, Inuyasha realised. It made him inexplicably angry.

“You didn’t call.”

“I thought you might be upset with me. You were in a bit of a foul mood when you left.”

So maybe Sesshomaru didn’t forget about what happened to the party. Didn’t mean he couldn’t still be an ass about it.

“Was I?” Inuyasha asked, raising an eyebrow. It wasn’t like him to play mind games, but whatever Sesshomaru wanted to say about the party, their time together… the kiss, Inuyasha wanted him to say on his own.

Unfortunately, Sesshomaru didn’t take the bait.

“I suppose it is to be expected that you don’t remember much. You were quite intoxicated,” he said, and knowing his brother well enough, Inuyasha understood the meaning behind the words. He was offering them both a way out. They could just pretend not to remember anything and go on with their lives. It would be that easy.

Still, it made Inuyasha inexplicably angry. He was ready to let it all go a moment ago, but now, having Sesshomaru in front of him, knowing for sure that he too was still thinking about their night together was enough to change his mind. It shouldn't be that easy. It had no right to be as easy as Sesshomaru tried to make it.

He bit his lip, wondering what he should say next, but Sesshomaru had lost his patience. He squished the rest of his cigarette in the ashtray on his desk and walked towards the door. There was enough room for him to squeeze around Inuyasha and get out, but before he could do that, Inuyasha caught his wrists.

He had to say something, anything. Sesshomaru had to know how much he had fucked him up.

“My brain is a mess, Sesshomaru. Everything is a mess. All I can think about is you, no matter how hard I try not to. You can’t just pretend nothing has happened, you can’t!”

Sesshomaru froze for a moment, as if the thought that Inuyasha might feel this way had never crossed his mind. It lasted for a moment, though, and then his gaze softened.

“Inuyasha, I —”

“You coming, boys?” their father called, voice reverberating through the hallway.

“Just a moment,” Sesshomaru said evenly, then whispered back to Inuyasha. “We have to go.”

Panic gushed through Inuyasha as he squeezed his brother’s wrist harder, not letting him move. 

“No. We have to talk about this.”

Sesshomaru bit his lower lip in frustration, but Inuyasha neither eased his grip nor left his gaze.

“Look, I want to talk about this just as much, believe me, but now is not the moment,” he said, eyeing the door. “Tomorrow evening Naraku’s going to leave for the weekend and I’ll be home alone. Come over and we’ll talk about it, alright?”

Inuyasha thought it over for a moment. Indeed, he didn’t exactly want to have this conversation with his parents just a room away, and the fact that Sesshomaru wanted to talk too was promising, was it not?

He reluctantly let go of the other man’s wrist and nodded.

Inuyasha tried very hard not to look at his brother for the rest of the dinner. He knew one look was more than enough to make his insides churn with nerves.

Instead, he focused on his food and whatever boring thing their parents were talking about. For the most part, both him and Sesshomaru stayed silent. Once in a while, however, the subject of conversation migrated towards them. How proud Chiyoko was that Sesshomaru’s paintings have been displayed at some gallery or how surprised Toga was at Inuyasha’s decision to study psychology. 

Whenever that happened, Inuyasha couldn’t help but feel awkward. Sesshomaru, on the other hand, didn’t mind the attention. He had spent much of his childhood being constantly praised and complimented, while Inuyasha didn’t have a lot of experience with being the center of attention. 

“I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been to raise Sesshomaru by yourself,” Chiyoko’s boyfriend said.

“I didn’t raise him by myself, though. Toga was here all the time. In fact, whenever I was away with work, Sesshomaru stayed at Izayoi’s.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, Sesshomaru and Inuyasha were pretty much inseparable when they were small,” Izayoi chimed in.

“Hardly,” Inuyasha whispered, but nobody besides Sesshomaru — who had the courtesy to chuckle — paid him any mind.

“That’s curious. I though you were transgender because you didn’t have a father figure in your life,” the man told Sesshomaru.

Inuyasha almost choked on his food. He searched for any sign that it wasn’t anything more than a tasteless joke, but the guy was serious. Inuyasha wanted to say something, but his father beat him to it.

“I beg your pardon?”

“No offence. I’m just saying, if he had a strong father figure in his life to look up to he wouldn’t have wanted to become a girl.”

Sesshomaru started laughing, and Inuyasha couldn’t help but join it. As crappy as the casual transphobia was, the situation was hilarious.

“I think he is a bit confused about which way you are transgender,” Inuyasha wishpered to him, to which Sesshomaru smiled, showing off his brilliantly white teeth.

“Oh dear,” Chiyoko said, addressing a visibly upset Toga. “I swear when I told him about Sesshomaru he seemed cool with it. Perhaps I should have explained a bit better…” She was upset herself, judging by the red in her cheeks.

“Boys, why don’t you go to Sesshomaru’s room if you’re finished eating. I’ll bring out the desert in a bit,” Izayoi said. It was her way of sparing Sesshomaru any further embarrassment and while Inuyasha wasn’t particularly happy about having to spend more time with his brother alone, he was grateful not having to hear the very awkward conversation that would come.

He followed Sesshomaru back to his room in silence. He felt rather awkward, not knowing what to do with himself. Standing in the middle of the room and aimlessly staring at the walls while Sesshomaru was on his phone wasn’t improving the situation either. 

He half wished that Sesshomaru wasn’t ignoring him, but then again, there wasn’t much he could say to him at the moment. His instinct told him to apologise for what happened earlier, but Sesshomrau wouldn’t have appreciated it, or even seen the need to even talk about it anymore. Defeated, Inuyasha started going through the spines of the books on his shelves. Most of them were art encyclopaedias, highschool textbooks and some old story books he remembered reading together as children. The books he actually read were probably at his apartment, but the fact that he kept the small relics of their childhood put a smile on Inuyasha’s face.

Next to the bookshelves was a half finished painting of his brother’s that Inuyasha didn’t notice the first time he stepped in the room. A self portrait by the looks of it. While the background was mostly blank, the portrait itself was full of colour.

“Is this how you see yourself?” Inuyasha asked. The words were out of his mouth before he could even think them through.

Sesshomaru put his phone down and looked at him before answering.

“I suppose. Is there anything wrong with it?”

Inuyasha paused, touching the painting with the tips of his fingers, right where Sesshomaru’s closed eye was. It showed him sitting in a puddle, wearing a see through shirt and holding dead flowers. As beautiful as it was, there was something wrong with it, but Inuyasha couldn’t really pinpoint it.

“No. It’s really nice.”

“Thank you,” Sesshomaru responded, eyes back to the screen in his hands. Inuyaha didn’t feel like letting the conversation die, though.

“Your mom said you’ve put up a gallery?”

“Not yet. I had some paintings displayed along with a few classmates, but I might get my own gallery soon.”

“That’s amazing,” he said, fidgeting.

“Why don’t you sit down, Inuyasha?” Sesshomaru offered, moving his legs to the side to make room for him on the bed. Inuyasha reluctantly did as told but regretted upon realising how close their bodies actually were. Memories of that cursed night engulfed him, the phantom feeling of his brother’s lips on his taunting.

“Your hair got long,” Sesshomaru said, eyes still on his phone. 

“I didn’t really have time to cut it lately. Mom says it looks tousled.”

“I think it suits you.”

Inuyasha’s cheeks immediately reddent at the realisation that Sesshomaru was complimenting him. He turned his face away. It wasn’t very often that his brother said something nice to him so directly. 

“I often thought about dyeing it,” he admitted.

“Oh? What colour?”

“Like yours. I mean — I always thought that your silver hair is pretty cool and everyone seems to like it and maybe I could… fuck, am I making it worse?”

Sesshomaru smiled at him. His phone was now abandoned on the bed, screen locked. His undivided attention was on Inuyasha, making him all the more embarrassed.

“Bleaching it is a pain in the ass, trust me. Besides, I quite like your black hair. Mine was never this dark…” he said, dragging the words as he trailed his fingers through said hair. He was so unbelievably close that Inuyasha had to close his eyes in order not to lose his composure. The way Sesshomaru toyed with him and his feelings was infuriating, but it also left him wanting more. More attention, more touching, more…

“Then I’ll totally dye it.”

Sesshomaru huffed, untangling his fingers from Inuyasha’s mane. He was back on his phone already.

“Boys! Desert!” Izayoi’s voice came from behind the door. 

“Coming.” Inuyasha responded. He looked at Sesshomaru expectantly, but he showed no intention of getting up from the bed.

“You coming?”

“I’m on a diet,” he said flatly.

Inuyasha knew better than to push it. He couldn’t blame Sesshomaru for not wanting to go back and interact with the douchebag. He wouldn’t do that either. Asking Izayoi to bring their dessert back to Sesshomaru’s room seemed like a good compromise and the least thing he could do. 

Sesshomaru seemed positively moved by the gesture, and for half a second, gratitude could be read on his face. It made them both feel warm inside.

The dessert itself was a perfect distraction for Inuyasha. He offered the tiramisu slice his undivided attention, letting every mouthful to bower his taste buds. 

“So I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

The question took Inuyasha by surprise.

“Ye-yeah.”

“Naraku leaves around five. I can order pizza if you want.”

It sounded like a date, Inuyasha thought. A date at Sesshomaru’s place. He pushed the thought away, refraining from visibly shaking his head. It was not a date, just him and Sesshomaru trying to figure some things out, like adults. Still, he was ordering pizza.

“Sounds good.” he said and after a moment added. “Sorry for causing you trouble.” 

He wasn’t particularly sure what trouble he was referring to, but it seemed like something needed to be said.

“It’s-”

Whatever Sesshomaru wanted to say got interrupted by an assertive knock on his door. Whoever was behind it didn’t bother waiting for permission and came in. It was Chiyoko’s boyfriend.

Inuyasha suddenly felt protective over his brother. It made no sense, but he always felt like that whenever Sesshomaru had to interact with someone who was a dick about his gender identity or sexuality. Rationally, he knew Sesshomaru was more than capable of defending himself and didn’t need his protection, but Inuyasha thought it was unfair that he even had to defend himself when he wasn’t bothering anyone.

“Hello boys,” he said timidly, as if he was embarrassed. “How’s the dessert?”

“It’s good,” Sesshomaru said, before Inuyasha could respond. 

“It’s a shame you didn’t join us at the dining table.”

“We would’ve-,” Inuyasha started, but was cut off by Sesshomaru’s hand on his arm and a curt head shake from him. He wasn’t in the mood for confrontation and Inuyasha had to respect it, even if all he wanted to do is tell the guy exactly how he felt.

Once again, Sesshomaru wasn’t a damsel in distress. He didn’t need his little’s brother’s saving.

The man paid their interaction no mind. Instead, he took a cautious step towards the painting. He didn’t get to close, opting to inspect it from a distance. “Did you paint this, Sesshomaru?”

“Yes.”

“Well, congratulations. It’s very pretty, but you seem a bit sad here.”

“It’s part of the charm,” Sesshomaru said, flashing one of his brilliantly white smiles. 

“Indeed…” An awkward pause followed by an equally awkward cough. “I came to apologise for what I said earlier. It was rather inappropriate of me, and your parents made sure I understood that. I admit I was a bit confused, but I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

“It’s fine,” Sesshomaru assured him flatly.

Perhaps the man was waiting for more, and if that was the case, he would be leaving utterly disappointed. Sesshomaru didn’t hold grudges, but he wasn’t particularly kind to people that annoyed him. Inuyasha really liked that about him.

“Well, then,” he said awkwardly, “I’ll be going. Have fun.”

Sesshomaru got up from the bed and placed his half eaten dessert on the nearest bedside table. Inuyasha followed suit.

“How long do you think they’re gonna last? Your mom and this guy?”

Sesshomaru hummed. “I don’t imagine it is going to be a very long relationship. I give them four more months at most.”

“Quite generous.”

They both laughed and Inuyasha felt at ease once again. He expected things between Sesshomaru and him to be extremely awkward, but they seemed fine, or that’s what he thought. Before their eyes met once again and the tornado of feeling from that night pooled into Inuyasha’s stomach.

“Sesshomaru, I—”

But his brother understood. Perhaps he was going through something similar. 

He locked the door swiftly and Inuyasha found himself gasping for air.

“Are you going to kiss me again?”

“Only if you want me to.”

He should have said no, since they were still due a talk about… whatever that was, but still, Inuyasha nodded. It was the only thing he could do since his nervous system decided to interpret Sesshomaru’s words as a cue to take unpaid leave. His whole body was shaking, but Sesshomaru’s lips were grounding. Warm and demanding, just like last time.

His hands were desperately grabbing at his brother’s neck, at his sides, at anything he could reach. His lungs were empty and aching, but the thought of breaking the kiss didn’t cross Inuyasha’s mind once. He was hooked on the kiss, on the confusing feelings that it awakened inside him. It felt just as good as it was wrong.

Soon enough, other parts of his body became interested and Inuyasha was too far gone to feel any sort of embarrassment.

Sesshomaru was the one who broke the kiss and gasped for air. His gaze didn’t leave Inuyasha one second and made him realise how thoroughly and utterly fucked he was.

“More.” Inuyasha moaned. He wasn’t ready for this to end yet. If this was their last time like this…

Sesshomaru chuckled in response. He gave his brother a loving peck, then whispered in his ear: “I’m gonna give you everything you need tomorrow. Be good until then.”

Thoroughly and utterly fucked indeed.

Inuyasha spent the commute to Sesshomaru and Naraku’s shared apartment trying to distract himself from imagining eighty different possible conversations between them and an even greater number of outcomes. It didn’t really work. The following night he was nothing but a ball of nerves, eagerly awaiting the moment Sesshomaru and him would meet again and talk this thing out. Now, he didn’t even know what he was going to say.

The fact that Sesshomaru kissed him once again, so eagerly and effortlessly, complicated things even more. Inuyasha had a weird crush on his brother, that much was obvious, but what if said brother reciprocated? He was more or less counting on Sesshomaru to put a stop to this, to tell Inuyasha loud and clear that it was nothing but a mistake made while intoxicated and all of their kisses meant nothing. Then they could do nothing but forget it even happened and live their lives peacefully. That would be the best outcome, Inuyasha told himself.

Except he didn’t truly believe it. That hidden, twisted part of himself wanted Sesshomaru to want him just as much, to crave his touch the way Inuyasha craved his. He wanted to pin the other man against the wall and show him exactly what he was doing to his poor, innocent brother.

Truthfully, Inuyasha was so very horny for Sesshomaru. After all, Sesshomaru was handsome, charming and very, very hot. Being his half-brother and all, Inuyasha should have been immune to all of this, but maybe something was wrong with his brain. Maybe he just needed to get it out of his system.

If Sesshomaru decided not to be the bigger man for once and give in, Inuyasha would do it. He would go to his brother’s house, tell him exactly how he was feeling and maybe rub one out as well. Things would then go back to normal and nobody would have to commit any immoral act that would bring shame to the family name.

His newly found plan didn’t ease any of his nerves. Inuyasha found himself hesitating — he didn’t know if he should knock on the door or ring. He wasn’t sure what to say to Sesshomaru or whether he should give him the chocolate he bought on a whim. Fuck, he didn’t even know why he bought the chocolate in the first place. It wasn’t like they were dating or anything…

His mind didn’t get the chance to spiral enough for him to panic and leave; the door opened without warning, forcing Inuyasha to take a step back so he wouldn’t get hit by it. Behind the door was Naraku, carrying a comically large suitcase and a handbag.

“I think I should have everything,” he said, patting insistently at his pockets. “Unless… keys? Oh, hi Inuyasha. Sesshomaru, did you know Inuyasha is here?”

“H-Hi.”

Sesshomaru emerged too, rattling what Inuyasha imagined were Naraku’s keys between his fingers.

“Yes, I know Inuyasha is here. I asked him to help me with an art project.”

“I’m heartbroken,” Naraku cried theatrically. “You could have asked me.”

“You’re going to be away for the entire weekend,” Sesshomaru reminded him. “And need I remind you that if you’re not going to leave in the next ten minutes you’re going to miss your train?”

“My keys…”

With an exasperated roll of his eyes, Sesshomaru handed him the keys and made a shooing motion. “Here. Now go.”

Once Naraku was on his way, Sesshomaru gently took Inuyasha’s hand and urged him inside. He felt hot all of a sudden, unsure what to say to his brother. Shit, the chocolate was melting in his hand and he was most likely blushing.

“I feel like eating pizza. Want to order some?” Sesshomaru asked, nonchalantly taking a seat on the sofa and inviting Inuyasha to join him with his gaze.

He reluctantly followed.

“Uh, ye-yeah. Pizza sounds good. I’d like-” he paused, eyes meeting Sesshomaru’s lips for a brief second. He decided to settle his gaze on the safer space between his brows. “Some pizza.”

He coughed pathetically and Sesshomaru smirked. Shit, he was acting like a blushing girl.

“I uh, got you some chocolate. It’s probably melted and, uh, shit…”

“Calm down, Inuyasha. Take a moment to calm down.”

Inuyasha took a deep breath, allowing his overwhelming emotions to settle a little bit. In the meantime, Sesshomaru busied himself with the chocolate and ordered pizza. He was merciful enough not to ask Inuyasha about which topping or sauce he wanted.

Not having to make any decisions for himself was rather comforting. He liked that his mom never asked what he wanted for dinner and instead just gave him the food she made. He liked that in their friend group he was never expected to pick a place to hang out or make plans. Perhaps that didn't show a great deal of maturity on his part, but letting go of those small comforts wasn’t something he was looking forward to. And right in that moment, Sesshomaru didn’t expect him to.

“You’re rather tense,” he remarked, and Inuyasha tried to relax his shoulders a little bit.

“It’s just that we’re by ourselves,” he responded, looking around as if to make sure they were really alone.

“Does that bother you?”

“N-no. It's just that... certain things happen when we're by ourselves.”

“Like me kissing you?”

Inuyasha nodded.

“Does it bother you when I do that?”

He took a deep breath. He came with a few things in mind. He came here to be honest and put an end to this.

“No, which makes it even worse.”

Sesshomaru simply raised an eyebrow, urging him to continue. He seemed unfazed, but then again, he rarely let his emotions out.

“We're brothers. Logically, the whole being attracted to each other situation should've skipped us, but... I'm still attracted to you and... Fuck, Sesshomaru, can you tell me why you kissed me?”

“Because I wanted to.”

It wasn't the first time Inuyasha heard those words from his brother's mouth. Sesshomaru said them with ease, as if they were the most natural thing.

“Yes, you've told me this much. But why did you want to?”

Sesshomaru ponders on this for a while and the room grows silent save for the low buzzing of whatever show he has playing on the TV in the background.

“Because I like you.”

“Is that so?”

This time the eyebrow raise came a touch more aggressively, and Inuyasha made a mental note to choose his words a bit better. Still, he wasn't the one to follow advice. Not even when it was his own.

“Was it not simply something you did while drunk? Was it not all a joke at my expense?”

Sesshomaru exhaled sharply and his jaw locked in place tensely. “You really do think I'm an asshole. It wasn't just teasing to you, you do view me as that,” he said, and the disappointment in his voice made Inuyasha's heart heavy.

“I didn't mean that... Shit. I'm sorry. I'm just confused because you're you and I'm me and you kissed me. Out of the blue, you kissed me and made me feel these very confusing things and I didn't know if it was genuine-”

“It was genuine,” Sesshomaru cut him off. “You know it well it was genuine. You know that I don't fuck with people while intoxicated. You very well know I don't kiss anyone I'm not interested in. More than anyone else, you should know how I value my privacy.”

Inuyasha knew. Still, he felt the need to defend himself. Sesshomaru, however, cut him off.

“I think you're scared of the implications of us having mutual feelings for each other and instead of confronting this fear and communicating your feelings you're trying to put this on me.”

“Shit,” Inuyasha said, trying to lighten the mood, “wasn't I supposed to do the psychoanalysing bullshit?”

Sesshomaru didn't laugh.

“You're right, kind of. I am fucking terrified of the implication of us liking each other. I half hoped you would tell me it was just a prank and I would be able to let go of it, pretend it never happened and I'm totally not horny for my brother. Part of me even believed that would be the case, because you're you and you're handsome and popular and smart and have a fucking gallery and I'm...”

“You're great, Inuyasha. Do you want me to tell you how great you are?”

Inuyasha felt his cheeks warm up. He was definitely not ready for the conversation to head in that direction.

“No. The point I'm trying to make is that I didn't expect you to really like me, because we're so different and...”

“But I do like you, and I suspect you like me back.”"

There was a faint shadow of pleading in Sesshomaru's eyes. He used to see it often in their youth, whenever Sesshomaru tried to convince Toga to let him do something or Inuyasha to take the blame for something he did himself. Back then it was sly and mischievous, but right then, when confronted by Inuyasha's possible rejection, it was raw.

“I do,” Inuyasha said with the most sincerity. He let the words sit between them for a bit, heavy and truer than anything he's ever said. He couldn't take them back anymore. Not that he wanted to. But.

“Which makes everything even harder.”

“Whatever do you mean by that?”

“You said it yourself. There are consequences... We're...” He waved his hand awkwardly between the two of them. "Brothers."

“And? Are you, out of all people, going to tell me you think it's wrong?”

“I mean, it is, but that's not exactly the point. If we did anything, it would have to be a secret. We couldn't possibly go to our friends and say 'hey, did you know I'm fucking my brother?'”

“No, because that is none of their business.”

“And because it would be a catastrophe,” Inuyasha added. Sesshomaru didn't seem convinced, much to his exasperation.

“We're both consen-”

“Consenting adults, I know. I'm not talking about the legal aspect of it, but the social one. It's taboo, Sesshomaru. If they find out, people are going to look differently at us. At you.”

“What does this have to do with anything? I am very much capable to make my own decisions and foresee the consequences.”

Trying to explain these things to Sesshomaru nicely was a pain in the ass, so Inuyasha decided to spell it out for him, even though it wasn't the most comfortable conversation to be had.

“You're a gay trans man. People already think you're a freak and stigmatise you. Imagine how it is going to be if you're fucking your own brother.”

Sesshomaru took another sharp exhale, but there was no tenseness anywhere in his body. If anything, he seemed more relaxed than ever.

“I do not care.”

“You should care, because-”

“Listen to me, Inuyasha. If I cared about not being stigmatised I wouldn't have come out. In fact, father repeatedly asked me to reconsider. He asked me if my dysphoria was really that bad. He asked me to live a life I did not want so I wouldn't be stigmatised. So he wouldn't be stigmatised.”

“But dad was always so...” Inuyasha trailed off. The thought of his father being anything but supportive of Sesshomaru’s transition never crossed his mind.

“He wasn't always understanding. Not behind closed doors. And even if he asked me time and time again to reconsider, I didn't. Because I knew I would be living a lie. So no, Inuyasha, I really don't care what people are going to think about me or what doors they're going to close for me. If I like you and you like me back, then why should I care about anything else?”

Inuyasha's heart must have skipped a couple of beats, because there was no more air in his lungs for a few seconds. There was everything he always admired about his brother, his beautiful, talented, extraordinary brother. And he could have it all. Sesshomaru was giving it all to him.

“It can't be this easy...” he said, trying to swallow down the knot in his throat.

“It is for me," Sesshomaru said. “I understand if you have second thoughts. I understand if you don't want this and I'm not forcing you into anything. If you tell me now that you don't want to do this we will never speak of it again and I will be fine with that. But if you’re denying yourself this for my sake, then you should know I don’t care one bit.”

Of course he doesn’t, Inuyasha thought. Because Sesshomaru always made everything seem easy. From coming out in a society that was anything but welcoming to quitting law school to become an artist. Nothing ever seemed like it was a big deal. Not even liking Inuyasha.

“I… want to be with you, but I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as you make it sound. I’m afraid…”

“I’m not asking you to be with me forever,” Sesshomaru asked.

“Surely you’re not asking me to satisfy my curiosity and leave you when I’m done either.”

“No. I understand if we were to pursue any kind of romantic involvement…”

“Can you speak like a normal person?”

Sesshomaru sighed, either at Inuyasha’s interruption, his display of unculture, or both. Still, he had a fond look on his face.

“I know that if we were to start a relationship it wouldn’t be the most conventional one, and we would have to be a bit more private, perhaps. That’s why I’m telling you that if at any point either of us decides that this doesn’t work for any reason, we should be able to talk it out in a mature way and reach the best solution. Even if it means putting a stop to it.”

“You’re giving me a way out.” Inuyasha summarised.

“I’m giving both of us a way out.”

Before Inuyasha could say anything, Sesshomaru’s phone lightly buzzed and he picked it up without a word, going to the other room. The small moment of privacy was welcomed, even though Inuyasha wasn’t sure what to do with himself.

Sesshomaru liked him and he had no problem with the implications of it. Even more than that, he gave Inuyasha a way out. Still, any choice he would make would be foolish, and only one of them would be sensible. Inuyasha was hardly a sensible man.

He patiently waited for Sesshomaru to finish his call and pick up the pizza.

“Would you like ketchup or garlic sauce with your pizza?” he asked, placing the box on the coffee table.

It was now or never. Inuyasha knew that if he thought about it for more than two seconds he would lose all his courage, so decided to just go for it. He grabbed Sesshomaru’s hand and pulled him into his arms.

“I want you,” he said, although it didn’t come out as seductively as he thought it would. In fact, it was awkward enough that he started having second thoughts. Sesshomaru, surprisingly, didn’t laugh in his face.

“Then have me.”

And for the first time, Inuyasha was the one to kiss his brother. In that moment it felt like saying everything he didn’t have the courage to say out loud: I like you too. I want to be with you. I want you in every way.

The familiar feeling of wrongness ever present whenever he was kissing his brother did not disappear, but it was no longer overpowering. Instead, a myriad of other emotions took hold of Inuyasha’s heart as they joined their lips and he could hardly name any of them. All he knew was that he was feeling hot all over, and judging by Sesshomaru’s heavy sighs and low moans, he wasn’t the only one.

Soon enough Sesshomaru straddled Inuyasha’s lap, not breaking the kiss until breathing became a necessity.

“Kiss me more,” he demanded, and Inuyasha could do nothing but obey. His hands moved in tandem with his mouth, caressing Sesshomaru's neck and back and hips and every other part of him he could lay them on, marvelling at how responsive he was.

Soon enough, Inuyasha’s interest began showing in other ways too. He tried to shift his legs so that his erection wouldn’t touch Sesshomaru’s thigh, slightly embarrassed. His uncoordinated movement had the opposite effect, and judging by Sesshomaru's smirk against his lips, he became aware of Inuyasha's arousal.

His brother's hands roamed dangerously close to his waistband and before he could think of doing something unthinkable like sticking one of them in his underwear, Inuyasha took them both by the wrists and guided them into his hair.

“Go slow,” he breathed out between kisses.

Sesshomaru let another low moan escape and bit into Inuyasha’s lower lip. His hips were jerking slightly, trying to get any sort of friction from the movement. As the kisses became more erratic, Inuyasha realised he had to back off for a second and reassess. Mainly because Sesshomaru seemed ready to disrobe them both and his own mind started racing with dangerous thoughts of letting himself be disrobed and touched everywhere. Thoughts of Sesshomaru naked under him, around him.

“Can you—" Inuyasha breathed out, gently pushing his brother away. "I think we're going a bit too fast.”

“Yes, of course,” Sesshomaru said. He gave Inuyasha a bit of space but didn't move away from his lap.

“Was I too pushy?”

“No, no. It's just… I didn't expect things to move that quickly.”

“I thought you might have wanted to have sex.”

Always so direct, his brother.

“I do,” Inuyasha said, daring to rest his palms on Sesshomaru’s thighs as a way to ground himself. His hands remained far enough from any zones that might give off the wrong impression. "But I need some time. It's a big moment…”

Sesshomaru nodded, although he didn’t seem convinced exactly. Before he could dwell on the implication of it, Inuyasha tried to explain himself.

“I'm not rejecting you. I really want to have sex with you but I need to prepare myself. You understand?”

Sesshomaru rolled his eyes. “Yes, Inuyasha. I'm not a child.”

To get the point across he placed another kiss on his younger brother's lips and smiled. “We shouldn't let the pizza go cold.”